Speedle's Secret
by SpeedsGirl4eva
Summary: Hey this is my first story... contains alot about Self Harm please let me know what you think. Yay I finally completed it....
1. Speedle's Secret

**How can you tell I'm hurting?**

**If you cant see my pain….**

**To wear it on my body **

**Tells what words cannot explain!**

I guess you are wondering how and when this all started?

Well it stared the day I was born… sounds silly doesn't it….

You see dad didn't really want kids at first as he was too busy with the restaurant….then I came along…..

_**TIMOTHY SPEEDLE**_

_**24**__**th**__** JUNE 1973**_

_**5lb 10oz**_

_**00.08**_

That day was my mom's happiest day and I guess sit should have been dads but hey how wrong was I.!!!!

Any way as you already know diary things got worse as I got older…..

I started self harming I suppose to escape all the trouble at home……

Well here goes….

**DAY 1:**

Mom and Dad were fighting today….

Dad got so mad at her he ripped the phone off the wall and threw it at her like he was pitching a baseball!!!!!

Seeing this really scared me…..

**DAY 2:**

Mom was taken to hospital today… the doctors say she has Lupus… In other words she's breaking down…. Its dad's fault but instead as usual he's blaming me!

So you see that no matter what iI did or tried to do it was always gonna be my fault. So I decided to put into words how I felt……

**MY HIDDEN PAIN.**

As I sit alone at night

I get an urge

That I can't fight…

The urge I feel

Gives me the need

T o grab a razor

Cut and Bleed

As I sit and stare in awe

I get the urge to Cut some more

When I start to Cut some more

I hear a noise

Coming from beyond my door

Take a look beyond that door

The Noise

My Life

Are BOTH

No More!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**MY WORLD:**

My world is full of anger

My world is full of pain

My world is full of helpless cries

I'm screaming out in pain

My world is full of suicide

My world is full of cuts

My world is full of hurting myself

My world is full of blood

My world is full of violence

My world is full of wars

My world is full of self destruction

There's nothing to live for

My world is full of death

My world is full of doom

My world is full of destruction

The end is coming soon

Tears are falling down my cheeks

But my tars are red

All my life I've suffered

All my life I've bled

Now I sit here silent

My hands holding my head

As I sit here crying

I cry tears of blood.

**WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY?**

The blade digs deeper and deeper

Into the wound as the blood trickles down

Why do I have so much pain inside?

When will people see me for who I really am?

Now listen closely as I let you into my world:

I'll let you into my little secret

I f you promise not to tell

I have demons locked up inside of me, which constantly give me grief

These demons are my past

They will never let me sleep

The thought II get in my head

You may think are sick

But these are the thoughts I get

Going through my brain day by day

Until I go to bed

That's where they turn to nightmares instead.

Plus I feel the world is out to get me

Like what's the point in me being here?

When all I feel is pain inside

What's the pint of me being here?

When all I do is live in fear.

Everyday I fear to live but another day

Thinking that if I just slice my wrists

Would all my pain and grief fade away?

Or will forever it stay??

One of these days I'll wake up and be gone…

Until that day

I will sit and wait for the day I die to come.

……………………………………………………………………………………......

How ironic is that……….

I became the person I am today to prove my demons wrong… I thought that if I could do some good then maybe the world would be a better place……..so I became a CSI and started working at the Miami Dade Crime lab.

For once in my entire life I have friends that like me for me……If only they knew my past…….then they probably wouldn't….. I'll be honest I still self harm just not as regular as I used to…… I felt bad the other day, this is because at work Calliegh asked me why do always wear long sleeves/ I couldn't answer her because if I did then my terrible secret would be out and Id become the scared vulnerable lad I once was……. And I cant risk that…….. Luckily for me I keep you well hidden diary so when they do come round after work they never find you so will never know about my secret or where I keep my little friends (my razors)… mind you Eric came close to finding them the other day I really think I Should move them from the drawer in the coffee table….. well How as I to know he'd wonder what it was…….

Any way diary I really should get going I have a wound to dress and im already late for work………. Speed x


	2. Memories

Hey it's me again…but you already know that don't you. God I so wish everyone else would listen and understand me the way you do…. But then again they wouldn't really understand…would they.

Today been ok I guess, well except for the fact that I was late again…(blasted wound won't heal) and then almost got caught dressing my new wound by Calleigh….(close call.. very close call) Some days I really do wish I'd get caught as it would be a relief but then it wouldn't be MY secret any more and I've kept it secret so well for so long….. how can I explain how it makes me feel when I drag the cold blade down my arm, wrist or wherever I actually have space, releasing the warm rush of blood to flow swiftly down my arm before dripping down to the cold hard floor? I mean how would they react if they just so happened to see the 1,000 or something scars that cover both my arms they'd all just think I was a FREAK and disown me the same way THEY did all those years ago!!!! I couldn't take that rejection again…….I can't risk it……

I'll be honest with you... (Why lie it's not like any one else gonna see this anyway)

When I first started self harming it hurt... And I mean it really hurt... but then it hit me that the pain I was inflicting on myself was no where near as painful as the pain being inflicted by the people that were meant to love and protect me…. So I carried on finding new ways to cut and new ways to hide my art…. Sounds daft don't it …calling something as terrible as this art….

I'm gonna try and explain why I really started cutting……..this may take a while as it hurts to remember……

When I was younger it was obvious that dad wasn't interested in me at all, he made this clear by always looking through me, and he wouldn't talk to me just shout at me…. I don't even think he believed I had feelings……… I remember one day as clearly as if it was yesterday…. I was late home from a mates house (a rarity that I had any friends) and that made dad really angry… so angry infact that he decided to teach me a lesson for it…(one that I'll never forget) the lesson being that at the tender age of 15 I had 3 fractured ribs a fractured wrist and a black eye ( all because I was 15 minutes late) so that night I decided that if I hurt myself then it wouldn't hurt as much when others did…(how wrong was I) as I'm still doing it now…….

Some days I really do wish that I could stop doing this…..but it's so hard…..

When mom found out what I was doing to myself she didn't know what to do or say… so referred me to a doctor….. That did no good just made the urges stronger…

Well it's no good, I'm going to have to tell someone about this secret of mine as once again I've gone deeper than I intended and will need to have stitches again… well if I leave now I should make it to work on time..(That'll make a change)

Speed x


	3. Numb

I take out my only friend the knife  
And slash at my wrists cutting deeper each time  
I contemplate going deeper and taking my life  
Because I know after this it wont just be fine  
I clench my fist  
And cut my wrist  
I carve my feelings in my arm  
All the hurt I can't handle overflowing to this  
To self inflicted harm  
And a sharp metal kiss

As you can see today not been all that good either….

I swear I'm going mad…. I keep thinking that everyone I meet knows my secret…and it worries me...

I almost plucked up the courage to the guys today….but the demons inside me told me not to… (And stupidly I listened) when will I be normal… (Something I've wanted all my life)

I've been thinking about dad and the frequent beatings I used to receive from him….. And yet I don't really hate him…I just feel numb……. I tried to call him on his cell the other day but as soon as he realized it was me he hung up…….mom lost interest to…… now do you see why I cant open up….(although I really want to)

I'm completely fed up…. The meds just make me feel like a zombie…not to mention the urges become stronger and so much harder to fight….hence the more recent cuts…..

The demons/voices are getting to load and too frequent…plus I feel like an outsider again…a feeling I really dislike…I just wish I had the courage to find the strength and the words to my friends… but I worried they won't understand…well I guess I wont really know till I try……

Well diary I'm off to work and maybe just maybe when I return to you I'll have a happier entry…… Speed xx


	4. Happy

Here I am again  
Analyzing myself,...  
Looking around watching all the near idiots close to me

but is it possible nothing's wrong with them its me?  
I have a twisted view on life, logic, hate, and love  
Confused, Screaming, drowning within  
but yet I never say anything aloud

So many questions  
with unseen answers  
some I fear never will be  
but the most significant question............

One I fear will never be answered is...  
What's wrong with me???

That's what the Demons are making me think but I know different…and you know why (well actually diary you don't know why cuz I haven't told you yet...) I know better than that because I opened up today…(ok not to everyone ) but I told Alexx. She was a little shocked at first (even asked to see my cuts/scars) but she didn't judge me or make me feel uncomfortable… (She even offered to help me tell the others, so it wont be too hard for me) See I told you I'd have a happier entry didn't I…

This is going to sound so daft…(who Cares, for once I'm happy) but I feel like the demons have either shut up for a short period or left me alone completely…I cant make out which one it is….(lets see how the rest of the day pans out)

Oh diary I've got some more good news (well it kind of depends on the way you look at it)

Dad returned my call…… can you believe he rang to apologize for neglecting me for all this time… (he's got a nerve) still I believe every one deserves a 2nd chance…… so going to take it slowly just 1 day at a time…

Well diary I got to go… as MY Friends are here….

Speak to you later

Speed x


	5. The SECRETS Out

"Timmy, are you ready to do this, what we spoke about yesterday? Alex asked carefully, "I erm I think so…. Speed replied, not really knowing what else to say. He knew that his secret would have to come out sooner or later but he didn't realise it would be this soon, and especially not to the point of telling Horatio first. "Ok" Alexx whispered…"ready when you are baby"

With Alexx leading the way Speed followed, until they came to his bosses door….Alexx knocked and waited for a reply to state it was ok to enter. As soon as it became clear that entry was granted she walked in…carefully guiding Tim as though he was a lost little child, this made Horatio look up, sensing something wasn't right he proceeded to asking what the un announced visit was for. At this point it was clear that Speed was becoming extremely nervous and was messing with the long sleeve of the t shirt he was wearing hoping that this was all a bad dream but it soon became clear that it wasn't. Alex turned to Tim and smiled softly before asking if he was ok, Speed replied that he was and so they continued.

"Alexx, Speed may I ask what brings you in here so early in the morning?" Horatio carefully started, still sensing that something about the way Tim was standing meant that there was something not right and he was determined to get to the bottom of it, after all that was HIS job… "well H "started Alexx, "you see Timmy here has something he knows should be out in the open, but is a bit scared about how to say it, you see it's a problem that's gone undetected and un noticed for so long ad I personally think that you should here it first before anybody else does" she paused and looked at Tim… "Well go on then baby, I promise you'll be fine" "ok" Speed relied quietly "Here Goes, I've had this secret that I've kept since I was about 15 years old….. It stems from the fact that I wasn't wanted from day 1, so much so that my dad would frequently punish me…. So I decided that if I HURT myself first then it wouldn't hurt as much when HE did" Tim stopped and started to cry…"Speed, take it slowly, Alexx and I are here to help and support you, but as you know I cant help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."Horatio said calmly. Speed nodded at his boss and continued. "Well I guess what I'm trying to say is that for 20 or something years I've been deliberately cutting myself…. I suppose you could say it was my defence mechanism but then again if you where to read my diary you'd understand its so much more than that, you see I hear demons inside myself telling me everything my dad used to say and so I cut… I keep my friends; sorry I mean my razor blades hidden in a drawer in my coffee table…. I'm really sorry that I never said anything sooner but I didn't want to admit it incase you judged me…." Speed trailed off into complete silence, waiting for Horatio to say something. After what seemed like a life time but was really on 5 minutes Horatio finally spoke." Speed, I'm glad you found the courage to tell me, as now we can go about sorting it out, firstly I'd like you to take some well earned time off, I'd also like you to see an occupational health specialist here at the lab, then after the treatment has run its course you may return to work…on one condition.." "Yes" Seed replied, "you take it a day at a time, and don't keep things bottled up, you have any problems either way you come and see me ok and let me deal with it" Horatio said with a slight smile.

Turning to leave Speed noticed that Alexx was smiling too, "you see Timmy, I told you it would be ok didn't I baby?" Speed nodded and opened the door to leave.

Once he had left,he noticed that both Calliegh and Eric were being called into Horatios office, Speed smiled and knew that they were going to be filled in on his now Open secret, and deep down inside he knew that he was right and the demons where wrong that his friends wouldn't turn their backs on him and disown him they were truly his friends and always will be.

Returning home to his apartment Speed went straight to the drawer in the side of the coffee table ad removed his diary….


	6. Last Goodbyes

Hey It's me...(God I've got to stop doing that)

Anyway I just wanted to say that I won't really be adding any more entries to you after this one. This is because my SECRET is now OUT….. That's right diary with Alexx's help and guidance I found the courage and strength to tell Horatio everything form dads abuse to my Self Harm…and God does it feel great to know that I have real friends, people who really do care about me…..something I've longed for all my life…and now I finally have it.

So hopefully now with ALL my friends help the demons will finally go away, the cuts will stop, the scars will fade and I'll become a better more adjusted person, but I guess diary another thank you is in order…. And that my friend is owed to YOU, because with out you I probably wouldn't be here.. For the past 20 or something years YOU have been my best friend…my only true friend (apart from the blades) and if it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have found the courage to open up today so to you my friend I'll always be grateful……

Well goodbye my good friend…..

I'm off out with my other truly great friends tonight for a few drinks down at the bar by the beach……

Take care….. Love always…your grateful friend…

Speed xxxxxxxx


End file.
